- In the first paragraph I mention that the only thing to do is eat and go to school. Later I mention shopping. This contradicts the fact that there are only two things to do. There for, I need to include from the beginning that shopping is also an activity in Flower Mound
- In the first sentence of paragraph two, I use the phrase "accumulate some slumbe." I need to take that out and add a less awkward phrase like "went to bed."
- In the forth paragrah, I have two main ideas in it. As a result, it is a very long paragraph. I need to break it up into two.
- In paragraph five, I need to specify like bring up a specific turn of events that lead to my change in becoming a more greatful employee. Also in this paragrah, clearify who "there" is in sentence six. I need to go deeper in this paragraph. Talk more about how this changed me.
- In paragraph six I switched tenses way too much. Clear that up.
- Paragraph eight I need to get a better centralized main idea. Have one main idea and expand on it.
- Overall, better organization is needed.
Essay 2
- Paragrah two clearify what I am talking about.
- Paragraph four is extremely long, shorten it or break up into two seperate ones. Make a point how soccer is cheaper to play therefor more people can play it.
- Do not bounce around from topic to topic.
- Clear up controlling idea. Focus on a few sports.
- Put more of me in the paper
- Also touch on a common theme throughout the paper to tie all my points together
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